Again He came. And again I was waiting. This wait never seemed to end. Every time he came, my mind filled with hope and anxiety. Something within me would hold on to the last branch never letting go, like the last leaf of autumn. Through all the hope, anxiety and pain my soul would be dancing and prancing around like the gazelle in the Book of Songs. Springing around through an unseen pasture happy to have found new freedom. There was this joy which I acknowledged and subdued yet which for the sheer intensity of it seemed to scream out its presence.
Ordering some meat, he searched his pockets for something. Remembering, his face screwed up, became abashed then embarrassed. Trying to look away from seemingly mocking eyes he caught mine observing him. At first he feigned unfamiliarity, then a faint recognition.Maybe it dawned on him that I was his only trump card out of his 'little small problem', as he would have put it.He made way towards me.
Giving an uncertain smile he said, "Hi." I nodded in acknowledgement. To an onlooker it must have seemed just a curt nod, a firmly set jawline, pursed lips and keenly observing eyes. But closer more observant eyes would have seen fireworks in those very eyes. A reflection of my soul.
" Do you.. err..would you.. have Rs.200.?? You see I forgot my wallet.."
Another curt nod. Where could I bring that kind of money from?I never saved up when I was at home. After all daddy ...yes! daddy..! That was it! I looked up at him tried to ask him to give me a sec. But the words wouldn't come. Never did.I used to turn to stone whenever we met. Or more correctly whenever our eyes met.Back at school. That had been a long time back. Seven years. Seven years..!! And yet I hadn't managed to break the spell.!
I turned around and called to father. Success. No broken voice..still the bold girl. Seemingly so at least. Father heard me yell and came out to the veranda. " You wouldn't have 200 bucks with you daddy, would you?" Crackled voices. But only within. I knew he wouldn't have the money. Not now at least. It had been only a few days since I got home. He would have expected me to count on my resources for now. It was hopeless, I knew. But a few more minutes of his time was what I was trying to grab at. Disappointed, I turned and I prepared myself for another silent gesture, one that feigned indifference.And that's when father turned to go back inside purposefully. I had seen him all my life and knew what he could come up with. I waited expectantly. He came out and handed me the entire sum I had asked for.His eyes drifted from me to the visitor summing him up for what he could be. He knew him to be a friend from school. Or maybe he didn't think beyond that. As I did.
Turning I gave him the money. He accepted it thankful yet unable to decide whether to thank me like a stranger or to receive it like an old friend. Then he turned and walked away towards the meat shop. Handing the shopkeeper the money he picked up his packet. I prayed that he would walk back, that he would say what I always thought he had felt. But like that last day at school, he turned and walked away.
Suddenly remembering or more likely gathering the courage he walked back up to where I stood. My heart thumping I waited. Hadn't he known all these years what I thought of him, what I felt for him? That though the words wouldn't come, the entire school had heard. Or perhaps no one had heard. That this 'bold' girl unchallenged by cupid had been seduced at last. That he had made love to her every night for the past seven years and yet she failed to recover from the feverishness of that first love making.
"I will be right back with the money."
He hurried down the road before I could even conjure a response.
I nearly called out for him bruised by the moment. I wanted to tell him to return not just for the sake of the money but for the many unsaid words between us.
Anxious and deeply disappointed I waited for him to return with the money. These seven years had taught me to revel in glimpses and distant sightings. I wondered why my heart still pounded at the prospect of seeing him again as I slipped on my chappals, pulled down the towel from the stand and with heavily lidded eyes dragged myself to the bathroom.
*----------------------------------------------------------------------*
Ordering some meat, he searched his pockets for something. Remembering, his face screwed up, became abashed then embarrassed. Trying to look away from seemingly mocking eyes he caught mine observing him. At first he feigned unfamiliarity, then a faint recognition.Maybe it dawned on him that I was his only trump card out of his 'little small problem', as he would have put it.He made way towards me.
Giving an uncertain smile he said, "Hi." I nodded in acknowledgement. To an onlooker it must have seemed just a curt nod, a firmly set jawline, pursed lips and keenly observing eyes. But closer more observant eyes would have seen fireworks in those very eyes. A reflection of my soul.
" Do you.. err..would you.. have Rs.200.?? You see I forgot my wallet.."
Another curt nod. Where could I bring that kind of money from?I never saved up when I was at home. After all daddy ...yes! daddy..! That was it! I looked up at him tried to ask him to give me a sec. But the words wouldn't come. Never did.I used to turn to stone whenever we met. Or more correctly whenever our eyes met.Back at school. That had been a long time back. Seven years. Seven years..!! And yet I hadn't managed to break the spell.!
I turned around and called to father. Success. No broken voice..still the bold girl. Seemingly so at least. Father heard me yell and came out to the veranda. " You wouldn't have 200 bucks with you daddy, would you?" Crackled voices. But only within. I knew he wouldn't have the money. Not now at least. It had been only a few days since I got home. He would have expected me to count on my resources for now. It was hopeless, I knew. But a few more minutes of his time was what I was trying to grab at. Disappointed, I turned and I prepared myself for another silent gesture, one that feigned indifference.And that's when father turned to go back inside purposefully. I had seen him all my life and knew what he could come up with. I waited expectantly. He came out and handed me the entire sum I had asked for.His eyes drifted from me to the visitor summing him up for what he could be. He knew him to be a friend from school. Or maybe he didn't think beyond that. As I did.
Turning I gave him the money. He accepted it thankful yet unable to decide whether to thank me like a stranger or to receive it like an old friend. Then he turned and walked away towards the meat shop. Handing the shopkeeper the money he picked up his packet. I prayed that he would walk back, that he would say what I always thought he had felt. But like that last day at school, he turned and walked away.
Suddenly remembering or more likely gathering the courage he walked back up to where I stood. My heart thumping I waited. Hadn't he known all these years what I thought of him, what I felt for him? That though the words wouldn't come, the entire school had heard. Or perhaps no one had heard. That this 'bold' girl unchallenged by cupid had been seduced at last. That he had made love to her every night for the past seven years and yet she failed to recover from the feverishness of that first love making.
"I will be right back with the money."
He hurried down the road before I could even conjure a response.
I nearly called out for him bruised by the moment. I wanted to tell him to return not just for the sake of the money but for the many unsaid words between us.
Anxious and deeply disappointed I waited for him to return with the money. These seven years had taught me to revel in glimpses and distant sightings. I wondered why my heart still pounded at the prospect of seeing him again as I slipped on my chappals, pulled down the towel from the stand and with heavily lidded eyes dragged myself to the bathroom.
*----------------------------------------------------------------------*
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